


there's nothing in my system so i'm feeling what i feel for you

by caricature_of_intimacy



Series: I hope it's nicer where you are [1]
Category: The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Depressed Thomas, M/M, idk just read it itll take u like 2 minutes lol, kind of, toms just a sad boi who misses his bf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-14 23:54:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13601127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caricature_of_intimacy/pseuds/caricature_of_intimacy
Summary: Thomas writes Newt a letter from the Safe Haven





	there's nothing in my system so i'm feeling what i feel for you

**Author's Note:**

> Got a bit carried away with this...
> 
> Enjoy??
> 
> (title from Not Warriors by Waterparks)

Dear Newt,

Hey. It’s been a while. I know should have written this sooner. I've actually tried to write it about a hundred times now, but I can never find the words. Too distracted. I guess I’ve just been trying to figure out how to be in a world without you. 

It’s not easy, I can tell you that. It’s lonely, and painful, and things seem so pointless sometimes. Of course, I’m grateful for the safe haven, and for the work everyone’s done to make it a place we can call home. But I can't stop thinking about all the people who worked just as hard and will never get to call it that. I can’t stop thinking about you.

Minho just walked by and told me to “quit writing love letters like a shank”. He’s one of the few people who can make me laugh these days, even with comments like that. Although, I suppose he’s right. I do love you. The more time passes, the more I realize how much, and I never really understood before how loss can weigh a person down, but I get it now, I do. And I’m trying to be happy, because I know it's what you want for me. The problem is that I don't know.

I don’t know how to move on after this. I don’t know who I’m supposed to be. I don’t know what to do to make things right, because I can’t, not this time. I can’t go back and fix this. We don’t get a do over whenever life goes wrong.

If we did, I wonder how things would have turned out differently. 

I wonder how life could have been if we had stayed in the maze, if we hadn’t found a way out. I wonder if we could have lived like that forever, in our own safe haven before we ever knew we needed one, protected from whatever hell the outside world had become.

I wonder if you would still be here. 

 

Maybe.

 

The thing about life is that there is an infinite amount of ways it can go and an infinite amount of universes in which those ways can occur. I like to think that at least one of them is on our side. Maybe in that one, sun flares and viruses and maze trials don't exist. Maybe, in some universe somewhere, those mistakes never happened. You're still there. 

And I know, I know, making mistakes is part of being human. We make mistakes, we own up to them, we learn, we grow, and we’re all so fucking human. It’s just that sometimes, those mistakes mean losing what’s most important to you Sometimes, those mistakes mean almost reaching the end only to fall apart at the last second.Sometimes, those mistakes mean accepting that there’s nothing else you can do.

Sometimes, those mistakes mean pulling the trigger.

Killing you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. That one moment it took for things to end, it’s on repeat in my head, a constant reminder, taking the oxygen in my body until I’m choking on guilt and regret and all those fucking mistakes. 

An entire existence, wiped out in one moment. 

I really am trying, but I don’t think I feel anything anymore.

It's not fair of me to say this, but when I killed you, I killed us both.

 

I’m sorry I couldn’t save you, Newt.

 

See you on the other side.

 

Thomas

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry :/ Anyway, thanks for reading!
> 
> Drop a comment or kudos if you liked it or if it tore your heart out, either works lol
> 
> xx
> 
> P.S. follow me on tumblr!! androgynouspoetrycollector


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